Roman's Christmas Adventures
by ThePhengophobicGamer
Summary: My entry for the December contest on /r/RWBY, part 2 now included. I'll be adding a few more small stories that take place in the same universe, so far all holiday centered.
1. Chapter 1

Cinder sat lounging at the makeshift bar the White Fang grunts had set up in their new base. As she lazily sipped a martini, she spotted Roman walking out of the male living quarters, dressed in his usual debonair outfit with a brilliant orange scarf wrapped around his neck.

"And where exactly are you going?" Cinder called out to him as he passed near her.

Roman stopped, glanced her way and spoke with a maniacal grin. "I have some Christmas shopping to do."

Cinder smiled at the thought of what shenanigans he would likely get up to. "I think I'll join you. I could use the entertainment.

* * *

"Well what did you expect?" Roman lazily pushed a cart down the aisle of a Vale-Mart, browsing through the pet section, occasionally picking up chew toys and fake mice. Cinder strolled along next to him, displeased with the lack of explosions and mayhem. "I said I had some shopping to do. Perry put together a secret Santa pool with some of his friends."

"I just didn't expect you to be shopping the standard way. I wanted mayhem." Cinder seemed to pout, but Roman was smart enough not to mention it. The last person to say they had seen Cinder pout had been roasted to a crisp.

"Did you not see those two teenagers fighting over the last iScroll 12? Besides, why shop like a psychopath when these prices are already a steal!" Roman pointed to a particular price tag marked down almost 80%.

Cinder groaned into her hand, ashamed to be seen with the dapper jokester. "Ugh. You are worse than that annoying blonde that's on the list." Roman gave her a confused look. "The one that blew up Junior's club a few months ago." Roman still seemed confused.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY CARD WAS DECLINED!?" An angry feminine voice echoed through the store, followed by a thin pillar of flame exploding into view near the check-out lanes.

"That one." Cinder smiled smugly as Roman 'Oh'ed with understanding. "You do what you like, I think I just found my entertainment for the night."


	2. Chapter 2

Roman Torchwick has been asked many times why he does the things he does. Well, usually people ask why he is such an un-BEAR-able asshole, but we digress.

Roman has always answered those people in the same manner; "I'm chaotic evil, sweetheart." followed by either a puff of cigar smoke or a shot from Melodic Cudgel, each in equal frequency.

So it's really no surprise what Roman Torchwick does to celebrate the holidays.

* * *

Cinder entered the kitchen that their evil lairmofdoom(trademarked) operated. It was a decent size for the amount of faunus henchmen she had, but what surprised her was the sight before her. "Roman, what in the world are you doing?"

Roman spun around; his usual coat absent, in its place a frilly white apron that had the words 'Make Vale Great Again' across the front. "What's it look like? I'm making gingerbread cookies for the Fang grunts. Got to keep the animals fed, after all."

Cinder quirked an eyebrow before crossing her arms. "I didn't know you could bake."

"Can't even boil water." Roman replied as he went back to humming some cheery tune, cutting the 'gingerbread' dough with what looked like fish and dog bone shaped cookie cutters.

Cinder just rolled her eyes as she sashayed out of the kitchen, not ready to put up with Roman's brand of crazy.

* * *

"Fresh cookies, straight out of the oven. Get 'em while they're hot!" Roman shouted around his cigar as he stepped into the henchmen training gym holding a tray of his 'gingerbread' cookies, his apron still on. He set the cookies on a nearby table, retrieving his cane from the crook of his arm, slowly swinging it in circles as he chewed on his cigar.

One faunus grabbed a cookie before spotting his apron. "You do know that Councilman Elect Rump intends to implement many anti-faunus regulations. Why would you support that ass?"

Roman shrugged before replying. "I liked his show." This earned a scoff as the faunus moved back allowing his fellows to each get a cookie.

After a moment, as more and more faunus were reaching for cookies, one had tried a bite of his own.

"Hey this don't taste like gingerbread, it tastes like fruitcake!" One faunus spoke up, a deer faunus, if one were to judge by the antlers protruding from his skull. Or maybe a reindeer judging by his growingly bright red nose.

"Well you must be the mastermind of all the other little reindeer, now aren't ya Rudolph?" Roman replied, his tone mocking the poor teen.

The faunus sniffed before squeaking out. "I have a nut allergy."

"Oh, good so you spotted the pecans in there, eh?" Roman continued smiling around his cigar, not really expecting an answer.

The burly White Fang Lieutenant stepped forward, his cookie still clutched in his hand. "What is the meaning of this, Torchwick?"

"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!" Roman took a long drag from his candy cane cigar before exhaling in the face of the nearest faunus, causing the doe eyed girl to cough and wave the smoke away from her face.

The hulking Lieutenant was the first to crush his cookie under his boot before stalking off, a low growl emitting from his throat the entire time. The rest began to follow suit, frowns and looks of disgust on each horned and furred face. As they walked away, one faunus muttered to the other "Doesn't he know we only celebrate Kwanzaa?" before another shook her head.

Roman had just one thought as he smirked around his cigar, swirling his cane as he swaggered away; Chaotic Evil indeed.

**AN: Your welcome, Chuck Berry fans, for the reference. Anyway, here's my entry for DecMonCon this year. I kinda have the feeling that this is the same Roman we see in my previous DecMonCon entry, Roman's Christmas Shopping, hence most of the small, pretty stupid jokes and gags going on. I have at least one idea for another small story in this same line, so I'll get to work on that and possibly others before New Year's, but I wouldn't expect more than another one or two, to be honest.**


	3. Chapter 3

Twas the night before Christmas, and all throughout Vale,

Not a creature was stirring, 'cept Roman, who was out for the mail.

The streetlights flickered, quite eerily so,

Then out popped a Grimm from under the snow.

~TPG~

Now Roman was nimble, and Roman was quick,

Roman kicked that Grimm, kicked it right in the dick.

And as the Grimm lay there, writhing in pain,

Roman twirled Melodic Cudgel, then shot it in the brain.

~TPG~

Roman dusted himself off, thankfully not splattered in gore,

Before he spotted a random dust store.

Roman didn't just stand there with a crime boner,

He rushed in the store and stuck up the owner.

~TPG~

But in that store, other than the shopkeeper's dread,

Roman stumbled across one Little old Red.

Now Roman was not fond of the girl, no she he did hate,

But if he could kill her, then he would feel just great.

~TPG~

Roman hacked and he slashed, he chopped and he shot,

But he found his actions were all for naught.

For as he fought the dreaded little brat,

He had lost track of his most beloved hat.

~TPG~

Roman shouted and swore, he ranted and he raved,

To whomever took his hat, he would do things so depraved.

But lo and behold, he spotted his minion,

Whom he meshed with as birds of a pinion.

~TPG~

Upon her parasol was a dapper looking bowler,

And together She and Roman rolled over Little Red like a steamroller.

Then arm in arm the two criminals strolled,

Off to commit arson, robbery and other crimes untold.

**AN: Pinion is a large wing or tail feather of a bird, so birds of a feather, FYI. Anyway I got bored and whipped together a short poem based off of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. You're welcome, Benthino.**

**PS: Fixed the stupid gaps not appearing how I'd liked.**


End file.
